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Skicarver's Humor

(Courtesy of GibbleGuts by Dan Gibson)

"Okay - here they come. Remember, it's a lot like catching salmon, only spit out the poles."
(Courtesy of The 5th Wave by Rich Tennant)

"Well, it's partially their fault for putting a restaurant that close to the chairlift."
(Courtesy of The 5th Wave by Rich Tennant)

HOW TO PREPARE FOR THE SKI SEASON:
Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and your following an 18 wheeler.
Fill a blender with ice, hit the pause button and let the spray blast in your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker.
Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

(Sent by Aaron, Grants Pass, OR)

UNACCEPTABLE EXCUSES FOR NOT SKIING
It's too cold.
It's too hot.
They're checking tickets today.
I don't feel like it.
I'm hangover.
I'm reading Powder.
My mother-in-law is in town.
I ate a bad burrito.
I've got to work.
I couldn't get a babysitter.
I am a babysitter.
It's a Malaysian national holiday.
My car won't start.
My rommates car won't start.
My girlfrien's cousin's car won't start.
It's snowing.
It's not snowing.
It's too icy.
I'm broke.
I haven't finished reading the Skier's Responsibility Code.
The lift lines are going to suck.
My feet hurt.
I've got wicked gas.
There's an asteroid headed toward the Earth.
The pass is closed.
I have a court appearance.
The mountain's on wind hold.
It's August.
My car doors are frozen solid.
I've got a mid-term tomorrow.
I have to come up with a list of stupid excuses.
I'm a big fat lard ass.

ACCEPTABLE EXCUSES
I'm dead.

(Sent by Pat Fisher, CO)

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